The Bunny The Bear

If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say...

Written by: AP on 25/09/2011 16:01:05

Victory Records recently sent us quite the quality package for our listening discretion. In it came four albums representative of the label's recent brain hemorrhage; albums that they feel represent the future in their respective genres. One of these is the debut album by the Bunny the Bear, an ensemble of no less than seven persons including the two eponymous vocalists who have made it their thing to wear bunny and bear masks. The gimmick is hardly novel, considering that Fact have, until recently, been performing in ridiculous disguise as well, so to add a hint of irony to the practice, Matthew Tybor, the bunny, is in charge of the horrific deep growls while Chris Hutka, the bear, handles the high end of singing amplified with what sounds like stupendous amounts of autotune.

The album is conveniently titled "If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say..." so as to pre-empt the hate choir already amassing against the band and to afford their songs, eloquently titled "Prelude to Pregnancy", "It's a Long Way from the Esophagus to the Ovaries" and "Lust Touch Seed" to name the most offensive of them, a level of undeserved legitimacy. The Bunny the Bear have nothing to offer and they seem to know it, which immediately begs the question: what is the fucking point? Unless Victory Records genuinely believes that bands like this are in high demand and consequently a cash cow in the making, there is no logical explanation as to why they should exist.

Allow me to be blunt: you would have to be pretty stupid to appreciate garbage like "Ocean Floor" or "Ces't Pas Si Lion", or at the very least completely devoid of the ability to differentiate between aesthetically pleasing and intellectually offensive. Imagine soulless, layered growls inexplicably penetrating cheesy, synthesized eurodance tunes, add two barely audible electric guitars and a sampled, pedestrian rhythm section, and crown the pile of shit with singing so artificial it would make Attack Attack! go "what the fuck is this shit?". That the Bunny the Bear have decided to call it post-hardcore is an insult to even the lowest common denominators in the genre.

Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, Hutka drops an even more putrid load with "396.17", the band's idea of a ballad; a song so baffling that no fecal synonyms could ever accurately convey what it sounds like. The Backstreet Boys suddenly begin to feel like fine art. Immediately in its wake comes the band's interpretation of an anguished radio hit, "Rough Eyes", which makes me think reviewing a Justin Bieber single probably isn't such a dreadful task after all. Describing the remaining three songs would be a futile waste of space, but rest assured it does not become any better.

According to our evaluation guidelines, the harshest possible grade is given to records we regret to have wasted our time on, and we only write about them in order to warn you not to waste yours. Musically, the album demonstrates an embarrassing lack of talent and is likely to be a profound insult to your good taste. It should be considered an atrocity that someone granted it permission to even exist. It seems that this grade sector was envisioned based on a premonition involving the Bunny the Bear.

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Release date 27.06.2011
Victory Records

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